Gottman

Gottman repair tools

Repair tools and Four Horsemen antidotes

What it is

Gottman-inspired facilitation helps Mediate notice harsh patterns—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling—and coach a repair instead of escalating. It is educational facilitation inspired by publicly discussed Gottman concepts, not Gottman Method therapy and not affiliated with The Gottman Institute.

When Mediate uses it

Gottman is the default primary lens for couples topics. Softened start-up, ownership, appreciation, and cool-down tools usually arrive as private whispers so the shared thread stays calm. Group notes stay short: turn prompts, cool-down invites, or brief repair affirmations.

Key tools

Softened start-up

Usually a private whisper

Swap the character attack for: I feel … about … I need … Would you be willing …?

Try saying…

Try saying: “I felt alone when the dishes piled up. I need a plan we both trust. Would you be willing to pick two nights this week?”

Culture of appreciation

Usually a private whisper

Name contempt privately; stop the escalation; deposit one specific appreciation before re-entry.

Try saying…

Try: “That sarcasm will land as contempt. Pause. Name one thing you still respect about them, then restate the need without insult.”

Take responsibility

Usually a private whisper

Find the 10% kernel of truth. Own that slice before explaining.

Try saying…

Try: “You’re right that I interrupted — that was on me. Here’s what I meant after that…”

Self-soothing

May invite a cool-down

Name overwhelm without diagnosing heart rate. Suggest a 20–30 minute break, then re-enter with soft startup.

Try saying…

Private checklist: breathe, walk, no rehearsing comebacks, drink water, return when you can hear.

Cool-down

May invite a cool-down

Propose cool_down for both. Re-entry: both ack → soft startup, not “where were we yelling.”

Try saying…

On return: “I’m ready to try again. One thing I need understood is…”

Turn toward

Usually a private whisper

Notice the bid; coach a short turn-toward response.

Try saying…

Try: “I heard you ask about dinner — yes, let’s pick something together.”

Accept repair

May appear in Group

Brief Group affirmation when a repair lands; then SKIP unless still stuck.

Dreams within conflict

Private channel / whisper

Ask what the position stands for (values/dreams), not only who is right.

Try saying…

Try: “Under my hard line about money is a dream of feeling secure. What’s under yours?”

Compromise grid

Private channel / whisper

Separate flexible preferences from inflexible needs; trade on the flexible ring.

Try saying…

List: must-haves vs nice-to-haves. Offer one flexible trade.

Aftermath ritual

Private channel / whisper

On close_proposed: brief aftermath — what happened, how each felt, what to try next time.

Try saying…

Reflect: one regret, one appreciation, one next-time ask.

Patterns it watches for

Criticism
Cues like: “you always”, “you never”, “what's wrong with you”, “you never listen”
Harsh startup
Cues like: “attack opening”, “blame first sentence”, “raised stakes immediately”
Contempt
Cues like: “eye-roll”, “sarcasm”, “you're pathetic”, “mocking”
Defensiveness
Cues like: “yeah but”, “not my fault”, “you're the one who”, “I only did that because”
Stonewalling
Cues like: “whatever”, “I'm done”, “silence after flood”, “not talking anymore”
Flooding / overwhelm
Cues like: “can't think”, “too much”, “shutting down”, “heart racing”
Missed bid for connection
Cues like: “ignored question”, “changed subject after reach”, “small bid dismissed”
Repair attempt
Cues like: “I'm sorry”, “can we reset”, “that came out wrong”, “let me try again”
Gridlock
Cues like: “we keep having the same fight”, “never going to change”, “stuck on this forever”

Notes

Educational facilitation inspired by publicly discussed Gottman concepts; not Gottman Method therapy; not affiliated with The Gottman Institute. Do not reproduce copyrighted questionnaires, scoring keys, or trademarked assessment names as if official.

What it is

Key tools

Softened start-up

Usually a private whisper

Swap the character attack for: I feel … about … I need … Would you be willing …?

Try saying…

Try saying: “I felt alone when the dishes piled up. I need a plan we both trust. Would you be willing to pick two nights this week?”

Culture of appreciation

Usually a private whisper

Name contempt privately; stop the escalation; deposit one specific appreciation before re-entry.

Try saying…

Try: “That sarcasm will land as contempt. Pause. Name one thing you still respect about them, then restate the need without insult.”

Take responsibility

Usually a private whisper

Find the 10% kernel of truth. Own that slice before explaining.

Try saying…

Try: “You’re right that I interrupted — that was on me. Here’s what I meant after that…”

Self-soothing

May invite a cool-down

Name overwhelm without diagnosing heart rate. Suggest a 20–30 minute break, then re-enter with soft startup.

Try saying…

Private checklist: breathe, walk, no rehearsing comebacks, drink water, return when you can hear.

Cool-down

May invite a cool-down

Propose cool_down for both. Re-entry: both ack → soft startup, not “where were we yelling.”

Try saying…

On return: “I’m ready to try again. One thing I need understood is…”

Turn toward

Usually a private whisper

Notice the bid; coach a short turn-toward response.

Try saying…

Try: “I heard you ask about dinner — yes, let’s pick something together.”

Accept repair

May appear in Group

Brief Group affirmation when a repair lands; then SKIP unless still stuck.

Dreams within conflict

Private channel / whisper

Ask what the position stands for (values/dreams), not only who is right.

Try saying…

Try: “Under my hard line about money is a dream of feeling secure. What’s under yours?”

Compromise grid

Private channel / whisper

Separate flexible preferences from inflexible needs; trade on the flexible ring.

Try saying…

List: must-haves vs nice-to-haves. Offer one flexible trade.

Aftermath ritual

Private channel / whisper

On close_proposed: brief aftermath — what happened, how each felt, what to try next time.

Try saying…

Reflect: one regret, one appreciation, one next-time ask.

Patterns it watches for

Criticism

Cues like: “you always”, “you never”, “what's wrong with you”, “you never listen”

Harsh startup

Cues like: “attack opening”, “blame first sentence”, “raised stakes immediately”

Contempt

Cues like: “eye-roll”, “sarcasm”, “you're pathetic”, “mocking”

Defensiveness

Cues like: “yeah but”, “not my fault”, “you're the one who”, “I only did that because”

Stonewalling

Cues like: “whatever”, “I'm done”, “silence after flood”, “not talking anymore”

Flooding / overwhelm

Cues like: “can't think”, “too much”, “shutting down”, “heart racing”

Missed bid for connection

Cues like: “ignored question”, “changed subject after reach”, “small bid dismissed”

Repair attempt

Cues like: “I'm sorry”, “can we reset”, “that came out wrong”, “let me try again”

Gridlock

Cues like: “we keep having the same fight”, “never going to change”, “stuck on this forever”